Sunday, May 10, 2020

The dreaded day

I declare today to be a self-pity day! I'm allowed one of those every year or so and I'm claiming it today! It is one of those things I rarely allow myself to have. I feel so very lucky to be alive and so grateful for all that I have. But today I allow myself to delve on what I don't have. Only today.

When you and I logged on our social media this morning, we have seen hundreds of posts for Mother’s Day. Pretty much all of them will be describing to the world the absolute best moms. Beautiful, heartfelt and touching testimonials saying how grateful they are for such a loving, generous, caring mother.
Posts will celebrate the foster moms, the step moms, the moms of miscarried children, the soon to be moms, the moms that have crossed over, the moms of furry friends, the grieving moms, the surrogate moms, the solo moms.
All of those moms deserve the recognition and the love coming their way. They are genuinely good moms. And I am with you celebrating those moms too!

But have a thought, at least for a short minute, of those people that have abusive, toxic moms. Those that have moms that are not loving and generous. Those that want to puke when they read over and over how great all moms are. Those that feel enormous amount of guilt because they don't feel that way about their own.

My catholic upbringing made it very clear that I should honour my mother. But nowhere did it specify that this mother needed to be a loving mother in order to be honoured. Anyway, I don’t follow any rules from that upbringing, they are just meant to perpetuate abuse...but that is a whole other storyline that I will not get into today.

You are probably starting to figure out that I don't feel part of the Happy Mother's Day movement!
If you know my mother, you are most likely absolutely shocked at thinking that she might not be as perfect as she presents herself to the world.

Have I been open about this? I've just started to accept it as it is. Opening up about it is not easy. Extremely good friends have been there to offer good advice and a lot of love. But a lot of people simply don’t want any part of this discussion. They do not want to hear any of it. They look at me, disbelieving, as though I have three heads. But I can’t really blame them, they see her public side, they see her well dressed, smiling, laughing. They don't see her private side, like I do. They haven’t seen what she’s capable of. So when you don’t see it, it didn’t happen, right?

Just let me ask you this: have you ever witnessed a man sexually abusing his daughter in public. No! But the sexual abuse still happened. How about the woman that beats her children till they are black and blue? Ever seem that happen in public? Not likely!
Now, when these children (sometimes they are now adults) decide to go public, you can imagine the amount of effort and courage this requires, knowing that they will not be believed. How could that generous and funny and friendly man/woman harm his/her child this way! But it did indeed happen. It's easy to understand that sexual abuse exists behind closed doors, isn't? Easy to believe that physical abuse happened out of sight.

Well, I’m here to tell you that the very same thing applies to emotional and psychological abuse. She wants to appear to be the perfect person, she craves attention, she has a strong need to be admired. She seems generous, self-sacrificing, loving... but it is all self-serving in the make you believe she’s a good person, to get your approval.

But I know what I know. And it took me years to figure all of this out. Years to shine a light on it and not keep it in the darkest part of me. I was trained to believe that I was never doing enough. I was never good enough. I was never present enough. I was never patient enough. I was never intelligent enough. I was never generous enough.

I was never enough.

Years of training went into creating this belief. It will take me years to undo all those cords that are tying me down. Years...

The following quote comes from The Invisible Scar blog... pretty much sums it all:

'Whenever you see your mother, she belittles you, emotionally abuses you, treats you like a peasant, and demands to be fawned over like a queen. After you spend time with her, whether in person or on the phone or even reading an email from her, you feel very, very tiny and insignificant.
You hurt inside, where no one can see. You are invisibly cut and scarred again and again.
You can hardly remember more than a handful of times (if that) when you enjoyed your mother’s company. You can’t even really recall feeling nurtured or loved unconditionally.
Yet you have spent your entire life trying to find the mythical and magical key that will open her heart to you and unleash the maternal love you’ve always longed for.'
And this article gave me strength today...

Especially this part:
Kick False Guilt in the Cajones
What’ve you got to feel guilty about!?! She worked hard at alienating you. You’ve given her tens, hundreds, thousands of chances. Swallowed your tears, your anger for decades. But no! She’s just as toxic as ever.
So let her rally the flying monkeys against you. Let her sob into her decaf and, like Mrs. Wolowitz, tell everyone “what a horrible son [or daughter] you are.”
I don't expect anything from her anymore. It is what it is and life goes on. I was born to her to learn something from her...and learn I have.
I do not need words from her (or anyone else) to recognize my own value, my worthiness.
I do not need her approval to know I've done well.
I do not need her love to know that I am loveable.
I do not need her thanks to know that I am generous.
I do not need her recognition to know that I exist.
I do not need her.

Now go and enjoy your day, I will pick myself up and put on some happy music and enjoy mine!

Sunday, July 21, 2019



a calm, lengthy, intent consideration

The urge to write comes in waves. The need to put to paper my thoughts is most likely a need to better understand and to be aware of my journey.
So much has happened since the last time I added to this blog. Good things and difficult things. But all in all, the journey is still wonderful.
My camera is not at my fingertips as it used to be...documenting with photos or with words has seriously been neglected.
If I admit, in this space, that  I wish to change that, that I wish to slow down and to spend more time reflecting, maybe ti would make me more accountable. Maybe make me actually slow down enough to sit down a few time a week to write and share photos of the journey.
We shall see...

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Long time no see!

We've been busy with crias, the market and summer fun in general.
As you know, we've had four alpaca boys born on the farm this summer.
I could not help thinking of boy bands when I watched them in the pastures.
When I mentioned this to the farmer, he agreed with me
that we should rethink the names of our males.
So, introducing... 
Harrison, McCartney and Lennon.

And this one is Ringo.

 Don't tell anyone, but my favorite is Harrison.
On the creative side, I've been experimenting some more with felting.
Here is one side
and the other side of vases I worked on.
The light blue with pink will need some embroidery to make the rose stand out a bit more.

And this vase was done on July 18th...when I was remembering that day 33 years ago when the farmer and I got married.
By the way! I've now joined the rest of the world and have a page on Facebook under the name of Zenitude Fibre Arts (spelling fibre the canadian way).
Come have a peak and 'Like' and 'Share'.
It would be great to reach 50 'Likes' before the end of the summer!
I hope you are enjoying your summer...

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Number 4!

Nature knows best.
We've had three cria births so far this summer with one more expected...I secretly hoped it would have been born on Tuesday (my birthday) but it was not to happen.
But Jessie did the deed the very next day. So wedneday morning, a lovely little white cria was born as we watched from the deck.
Now, this little one is a bit of a miracle.
Let me explain.
You see, on Easter morning, last March 31st, we noticed something going on in the pasture and when we went out to investigate, we found a 5 lbs very very premature baby cria on the ground.
He was not alive when we got to him.
We checked our girls to find out which one had given birth and realized it was Jessie.
It's always devastating to loose an animal, especially one that looks perfectly normal.
But we know that this is part of life on a farm and we do our best to accept it as it is.
Still, we wondered what had triggered the premature birth.
Was it stress? Was it an injury? Was it an anomaly?
As the weeks went by, we were amazed that Jessie still looked huge and pregnant.
Till one morning, we saw movement...definite baby movement.
We were ecstatic! but also very confused!
Now, that she's given birth we can conclude that Jessie was pregnant with twins.
Twins are extremely rare in alpacas and very few survive. Most twins do not survive the 335 days of a normal pregnancy to even be born. Delivery of twins can be complicated as well. 
Her body aborted one but kept the other...Quite lucky that she was able to keep this one to full term.
And you might have guessed it...this is the fourth male born this year.
2013 is the year of the boys I guess.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013


I've been felting.
I've been making soap.
I've been reading and learning.
I've been dyeing.
I'm happy!
I feel very grateful for this time in my life. I've been allowing my creative side to take over and to guide me along. It's wonderful!
I've been playing with fibre and felting more scarves. I'm improving on my technique...still learning.
I'm quite happy with this black one.
It's Coco cria fleece, so it's very soft. I added a blue mohair blend bouclé yarn.

Another cobweb felted alpaca scarf in pink . Very light and airy. 
Both sides are different.
But I've especially enjoyed making these 'socks' over glass vases. Some have embellishements some do not.
They can be used for flowers or you could use them with a tea light candle for a lovely effect.
Square vases as well.
I even decided to use one of them for my birthday flowers that I got myself yesterday!!
The family came over with food, cake and surprises for this old gal. I had a wonderful day!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

So long Google Reader! Hello Bloglovin


For several years now I would log on to the Google reader site to follow the blogs I enjoy reading. It was convenient to have every blog in one place. But you might have heard that google reader will be gone at the end of June.
I made the switch to Bloglovin last week and its just great!
I transferred all the blogs I follow in one easy step.
In case you have to do this too, check this site  for more information.

To follow my blog clic on the button on the right.
Voilà! a quick little post to keep you readin'
Be back soon with some great felted vases to show you.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Fast and Furious!

Never a dull moment around here!
But that's how we like things to be, right?
Hubby was out of town this weekend helping a friend at his cottage.
I looked forward to some time alone, I always do.
There is something good about doing my own thing.
I don't mind the silence for a few days.
But Mother Nature had something else in mind for me.
 Early Sunday afternoon, Cassa Blanca decided it was baby time.
Now, I  might be the farmer's wife but I must admit that hubby is much more hands on with the animals than I am.
Since I was solo I put on my farmer's gear and off to the pastures I went.
 Cassa Blanca is a pro at this and the new cria was standing and nursing within 45 minutes.
He's a big 23 lbs male in a gorgeous light fawn colour.
About two hours later, a huge downpour came through. I mean the rain looked like a wall of water falling from the sky. I knew that the cria would not enter the barn so off I went back to the field, picked it up and closely followed by mom, we made our way to the barn. I dried him off and made sure he was not shivering.
All was good and we slept very well that least I did!
Hubby came back home on Monday morning and I told him all about the new cria.
We decided that we would go check on him together.
Well guess what we saw as soon as we set foot outside!
Ginger is a first time mom. Cria's head is out as well as the two front all is looking good.
We stay back and let her do her thing.
But for some reason, she decided to lay back down and she gave birth this way to a lovely dark fawn cria. And you might have guessed's another male!!!!!!!!!!!
He's smaller that the other 15 lbs but he's doing very well.
Here he is still wet shortly after birth.
And a few hours later, he's all dry, running around and figuring things out.
I just love that chestnut colour!
We have not yet come up with names for these two little guys.
Three births in 6 days!
One to go. about a female this time Mother Nature?
Just to stir things up a little!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

First of the season

Cria season has begun!
Alicia had her little one on Wednesday morning. A beautiful little white male.

I'm so amazed that even though he's not even 12 hours old, he can walk and run around.
Mind you, we saw him take a good nose dive too!

Little pink nose, pure white fibre.
Constant humming between mom and baby.
As soon as I see white, I think of all the possibilities of dyeing this soft fibre. 
But this year, I'll be keeping some natural coloured yarn/ roving as well. 
Almost forgot to tell you...we call him Lumi. It means ''snow'' in finnish.
We have most likely three more girls more new babies to come in the next few weeks.

Sunday, June 2, 2013


Lana is off the needles!
The sun has not been around much lately and today was no exception.
But it did show it's face for about 15 minutes and out the door I went with camera in hand and hubby following behind.
I wondered if we would have any pictures at all with the winds blowing as they were.

But the winds did calm down for a few minutes.

The shawl drapes really nicely because it's knitted from side to side on the bias.

The lace border is knitted with the body of the shawl on one side and is knitted-on on the other side.
I thought this was such a wonderful way to add the border.
The two other shawls in this series are designed the same way.

I love large asymmetrical shawls.
I like tying knots in my shawls and wearing them off to the side.

The yarn I used is from our own herd. It's an alpaca/mohair blend.
Soooooooo soft!
It's light as a feather too and I think I'll be wearing it all year long.

I've been felting shawls this weekend and I have lots to show you...

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Felting Part 2

I was eager to try my luck at making wearables and accessories for the home using some of the techniques learnt the first few days of the course.
So, feeling adventurous, I laid out a piece of silk gauze on the table and started to add layers of wool top and some pencil roving with high hopes of producing something that would look and feel like a scarf.
Wetting the fibers with a gentle spray of warm soapy water and gently rubbing till things stared to felt together. Eventually, the wool fibres will work their way thru the silk as well.

 Gentle rubbing is required so that things don't move too much and that the design stays in place.

The results are not perfect. I have ideas on how to improve on the next one. But it was a fun learning experience.
Next was a more open weave scarf done with pink alpaca fibre and some leftover yarns. More learning, more plans to improve next time. 

It's a bit crazy and not meant for warmth but as daughter says, it's more like a piece of jewelry than anything else. 
Next, was a vessel.
 Alpaca and Corriedale fibre were laid on both sides of a circle cut out of thick plastic. 
Some mohair locks were added.

The mohair took quite a lot of time to felt and I had to needle felt some parts once the piece was dry.

A circle was cut off-center on one side, the plastic circle (resist) was taken out, and the vessel was shaped as it was fulled even more.

Extra locks of mohair were needle felted in place.

I love the resulting vessel! It can be used to drop off your keys at the front door or for jewelry by your bedside.

I returned home on Friday evening and got back at it on Saturday morning.
Made with a merino silk blend top I had.
I love the wrinkles that show up with the silk.

I think this piece will need a bit of embellishement (more on that in another post),
a few beads most likely.

Made with red corriedale with wool roving in shades of blue, purple and red.

 You can see where I placed an elastic to pinch the top of the pot till it dried. I think I would like to add a nice thick hand spun yarn or maybe a felted rope in that spot.

A little pinwheel in the inside.

And the pièce de résistance (as far as I'm concerned)!

This is my favorite one. It's thick, it's sturdy. The shape is great. I added a layer of silk mawata to the bottom and it adds those wispy white fibres along the sides.

So. much. fun.